Chill beneath the glitterball

Congregate in a former church ancillary building to worship the simple act of chilling. Just three minutes walk from the south-coast seafront in Hastings, St Clements offers up its shiny glitterball to families or hens and invites you to enjoy the beach and the eateries, then come home to spread out, kick back and get Netflix on.

Worship the simple art of chilling

It’s time to get the congregation together, invade a former church ancillary building and worship the simple art of chilling. Just three minutes from the south-coast seafront in Hastings, St Clements offers two units in one for up to 14 or so family and friends, friendly dogs and well-behaved hens. All beneath a giant glitterball.

That means two kitchens and two living spaces, all connected with a triple-height atrium. Come together, drift apart, party, don’t party; do whatever comes naturally. However you play it, you’ll eat well, sleep well and be effortlessly entertained by an array of toys, games and modern gadgetry.

Kick back in vast open spaces on leather sofas that need their own postcode. Play a little ping-pong. Raid the bookcases. Break out the board games. Escape to the snug. Catch your favourite shows on the 55” TVs and large screen projector. Eat around the chunky table in front of the arched window or out on the deck with a barbie beneath the big skies.

Get your fill of Netflix, Prime and Disney+. Stream away on the Vodafone high-speed fibre with 5G back up. Magic up some Bluetooth music on the Apple HomePods and Alexa. Hit the beach by day and the avenues and alleyways of the Old Town by night: home to bars, eateries and coffee houses hiding down smugglers’ rat runs.

Gardens and grounds

The main playgrounds here are three minutes away: down on the pebbly beach or out and about around the Old Town’s smuggling haunts, among the coffee shops and eateries. But there’s a little space here out on the decked patio for a barbie beneath the big skies. Bring on the great outdoors. But don’t forget the wine.

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Living spaces

Beneath the glitterball that hangs from the triple-height ceiling, you’ll take a pew in plush, posh spaces with leather and L-shaped sofas big enough to cover a small country. Chill among the pendulum lights, spotlights, homely rugs and parquet flooring. Get together in the two lounge areas, or drift apart in the snug.

Catch a match or a favourite movie on the two 55” smart TVs, the 42” TV (one disguised as a piece of art) and the projector. Take your pick from Netflix, Amazon Prime or Disney+. Tap into the Vodafone high-speed fibre with 5G back-up. Immerse yourself in room-filling sound with the two Apple HomePods. Ask Alexa whatever you like. For corporates and presentations, a projector and large screen are available.

For more traditional fun, there’s a groaning bookcase upstairs that’ll be grateful if you relieve it of a little weight. Or you can head downstairs to play some ping-pong. Raid the DVDs, compete for bragging rights on the board games, pour some fresh coffee from the cafetieres or wine from the fridge. Party past bedtime. Get up when you say so.

Cooking and dining

You’ll get 16 around the dining table or out on the deck with a barbecue beneath the wheeling gulls and the sea-blue sky. Feed everyone from the dual-fuel twin cooker in the main kitchen or overflow with the dual-fuel cooker downstairs. Raid the American-style fridge-freezer with ice-maker for snacks and drinks.

Pop in to Penbuckles deli for cheeses, cured meats, wine, spirits and chocolates and add a wine from Grape Time. Prefer to leave the kitchen capers to us? We have top chefs who’ll step in when you can’t stand the heat, to prepare a one-off celebration or a fully catered break. Just say the word. We’ll even do the dishes afterwards.

Eat imaginative British fare at The Crown or real ales and no-frills pub grub at Ye Olde Pumphouse. Head out to First In Last Out to gaze at the central fireplace and tackle Sussex old spot gammon and salt-beef sandwiches. Or maybe The Stag Inn, with its inglenook fireplaces, mummified cats and exciting menu of seasonal dishes.

Restaurants include Fortes Pizzeria, or try the sourdough version at Monellis. Tuck into the tastes of Asia at Bay Spice, the best of African and Caribbean dishes at Carib de L’Afrique, or the essence of England at Maggie’s Fish and Chips. Or try cocktails, mussels and music with a side of surf and sand views at Teddy’s Beach Diner.

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Bedrooms

St Clements sleeps 14, maybe more, in five official bedrooms and a couple of reliable extras. Expect crisp linen, four-posters and glass walls.

The mezzanine master sleeps two to four, or possibly six (at 35sqm, there’s plenty of room). You’ll also enjoy two large windows perfect for gazing out over the trees to the church. A double-height wall of glass runs along the entire seven-metre width. Have fun in the hanging chair.

A second mezzanine bedroom sleeps two in a kingsize with room for an EZ bed. The large glass wall gives you views down the atrium to the ground floor. A third mezzanine bedroom can be arranged as a double or two singles. Enjoy more glass-wall views of the atrium.

Downstairs, there’s a double sofabed in the snug, while the en-suite master comes with kingsize four-poster. Ask us about adding EZ beds. The second ground-floor bedroom is set up for kids, with two singles that convert to a double with zip-and-link. Need more room? The lounge spaces are big enough to take sofa beds. Just say the word.

Children welcome

Perhaps the biggest draw for children here is three minutes away: the rolling waves and the endless beach of sea-smoothed pebbles. But there’s plenty on site to keep boredom at bay, not least the cavernous spaces offering opportunities for endless hide-and-seek.

There’s more traditional fun in the form of a table-tennis table in the main living area, plus a bunch of board games and kids’ toys. For bookworms, there’s a bookcase bulging with reading matter. And if you’re bringing babies, you’ll find cots and a highchair to smooth the experience.

For 21st-century entertainment, you’ve got two 55” smart TVs and a large screen projector to catch a match or movie and another 42” for alternative viewing. One’s an art TV – so the room looks great whether you’re on the box or not. All TVs come with Netflix, Prime and Disney+, so you’ll never miss your favourite shows.

Wifi? Stream away with the Vodafone high-speed fibre with 5G backup. Mix up the music with Alexa and the Apple HomePods, a breakthrough Bluetooth speaker that delivers high-fidelity audio no matter where it’s placed. When the sun’s out, grab some vitamin D playing on the deck in the ocean air.

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1066, all that and more

Knock your socks off at Knockhatch, an adventure park with soft play, boating lake, go-karts, farm and owl sanctuary. Meet sharks and puffer fish at the Blue Reef Aquarium. Explore the smugglers’ caves. Visit the pub garden on the pier. Ride the cliff cable cars. Learn all about the Norman Invasion at Hastings Castle. This is 1066, all that and more.

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